I miss my best friend.

FRIENDSHIP, SONNET #2
© 1996, Melissa Kress

We had a friendship pure and true,
A friendship time could never cease,
That in sad moments, could renew,
And bring to us release,
We had a friendship, you and I,
That was taken much for granted.
We thought that it would never die,
Much like the seed that we have planted.
And in such haste did we forget,
The love required to grow,
And at our feet it shall be set,
Drowning from feelings never shown.
Maybe we can save this seed before its time is through,
For I've never had a friendship, as the one i have with you.

Do you bet on the sure thing or the long shot?

Do you bet on the sure thing or the long shot?

I think I'm a gambler at heart. I've always placed my bets on the long shot, never the sure thing. That's fundamentally against who I am. However, today I find myself possibly being forced to take the sure thing, and possibly lose out on the long shot in the end. I'm not 100% sure I can do that.

I've always taken the long shot and many times it has paid off big and many times it has slapped me in the face. I'm not sure what to do, and I feel like I need to discuss it with someone, but I have no idea who to discuss it with.

I've been having a little trouble with decisions lately. I'm barely capable of choosing a toothpaste to buy. I keep second guessing myself when I've always trusted my instinct before. The last few major decisions I've made have ended anywhere from bad to horrific.

I suppose I'll make a stupid pro-con list and see how it all stacks up. Something tells me that's not going to help, but at this point, I'll seek guidance where it lies.

Yeah, that's why.

Two Cats

by Katha Pollitt

It's better to be a cat than to be a human.
Not because of their much-noted grace and beauty—
their beauty wins them no added pleasure, grace is
only a cat's way

of getting without fuss from one place to another—
but because they see things as they are. Cats never mistake a
saucer of milk for a declaration of passion
or the crook of your knees for

a permanent address. Observing two cats on a sunporch,
you might think of them as a pair of Florentine bravoes
awaiting through slitted eyes the least lapse of attention—
then slash! the stiletto

or alternately as a long-married couple, who hardly
notice each other but find it somehow a comfort
sharing the couch, the evening news, the cocoa.
Both these ideas

are wrong. Two cats together are like two strangers
cast up by different storms on the same desert island
who manage to guard, despite the utter absence
of privacy, chocolate,

useful domestic articles, reading material,
their separate solitudes. They would not dream of
telling each other their dreams, or the plots of old movies,
or inventing a bookful

of coconut recipes. Where we would long ago have
frantically shredded our underwear into signal
flags and be dancing obscenely about on the shore in
a desperate frenzy,

they merely shift on their haunches, calm as two stoics
weighing the probable odds of the soul's immortality,
as if to say, if a ship should happen along we'll
be rescued. If not, not.



***I think this just about says it all.

I am not a lesbian.

I am also not asexual, bisexual, or even try-sexual for what it's worth. I'm just not. Sorry to disappoint.

I'm not going to waste my time (and possibly sound patronizing) by saying that "if I was I'd tell you" or some equally ridiculous crap.

I'm simply not any of these things.

However, our of sheer morbid curiosity, let's break down the reasons that I think that you might think that:

1. I don't date, am not married, do not have children, etc.

- Guess what? I'm picky. I am not willing to waste my time (or theirs) on someone who I can quickly dismiss as not-for-me. I have a list of requirements a mile long and the vast majority of those are simply non-negotiable. I'll spare you the details, but it's that simple. As Cher (in Clueless) said "Look how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet." I have in my life met only a small handful of men that even came close to thinking about reaching the bar that I have set in my mind, and in all honesty, you'd probably be very surprised to find out who a few of those men are. I don't harbor some weird I-am-a-princess mentality(contrary to popular belief), I just know what I want and equally well what I don't. I even tried relaxing my regulations, but it gave me such an overwhelming sense of "settling" that I couldn't live with myself. I don't need someone in my life to make me feel better about me, thanks. I stayed awake during the whole self esteem chapter in health class. Not to mention that my grandmother told me I was beautiful, and I believed her. I'm far happier alone until (if and when) I find someone that is exactly who I am looking for, and in the meantime I have no desire to run around kissing frogs and getting warts that antibiotics can't cure. Nope, I'll pass, but thanks.

2. I don't wear make-up, blow dry my hair, or wear heels everyday.

- I'm not the only heterosexual woman on the planet that doesn't do these things. In fact, I'm not even the only one of my friends that doesn't do these things. Sure, I clean up well, and nothing in the world makes me happier than getting all dolled up and going out looking a little bit slutty. But that's just not the everyday me, I'm not really that high maintenance. True, my everyday lip balm may cost more than your entire outfit, but I don't care to dress up and play a part everyday. Yeah, yeah, the world's a stage and all that jazz. It's not being true to who I am. Deep down, I'm just a Birkenstock wearing dirty foot hippie with an appreciation for fine cosmetics. Yes, you can be both. You can also kiss my ass if you don't agree. Frankly, I don't give a damn one way or another. I'm going to wear whatever I please. I also will say and do whatever I please, regardless of what I am wearing or for that matter where I am. It's who I am.

3. I'm fat.

- HA! I love this one more than anything for several reasons. Hmm, where to start. Firstly, being large, fat, overweight, plus-size, Shamu, whatever you want to call it does not make you gay. True, you see a lot of fluffy (FFS, I truly hate that word) lesbians, but it's really a chicken-egg question. I feel that real life, as well as on the Internet, seems to perpetuate that rumor, especially on the FA (fat acceptance) blogs and their whole view of life. To each his own, I suppose. One better, most of my friends who are also on the larger side are exceptionally promiscuous (or once were). They know who they are. In those cases, it's not about building a lasting healthy grown-up relationship, it's about getting laid to feel better about yourself, which is totally not what I am about. See No. 1. Please don't try to chalk this up to secret body image issues, or something similar. It is simply not the case. Anyone who has spent any time with me knows I'm the first one to slap on a bathing suit and parade about wherever I may be. Be it the lake, the beach, or my own yard. I'm happy to wear sleeveless, strapless, low cut, whatever. I don't care. I am also a firm believer in "just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it." I'm the first one to go on fat girl patrol. Granted, that's usually after several drinks, but whatever.

4. I man-hate.

- Yep, I said it. However, I also equally hate women, children, large and small animals, deities of nearly all flavors and probably aliens if given the chance to get to know them. I am fundamentally not a very nice person. I do not suffer fools gladly. It is a drain on your soul. (I believe the whole not being Christian thing drains enough of my soul according to most, so why add more vacuum power?) I try not to hate with prejudice. I just trust my instincts. I'm usually right, and in those cases, if for some reason I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. I will also happily reserve the right to change my mind at any given time about any given person. I am as quick to instantly like people as I am to instantly dislike them. There are some I hate more than others, for myriad reasons, but it's exactly that. I have my reasons.

There you have it, there's my theory and explanations.

***Just for the record, this whole thing is born out of the truly horrific and repeat offense of my step-mother's well meaning brother. As the icing on the cake of one of the most surreal-ly awful weeks from hell, he decided to ask me (be it as politely and drunkenly as possible) if I was gay. I've been building up to this rant for quite a long time, and have finally decided to let the rant roll. Those rants will eventually build themselves up to epic proportions and come out one way or another. I should forgive drunken zombie for upsetting me, but I'm really tired of this. I feel like I have answered the same question and gotten the same looks enough times that I am just really friggin tired of it. And the whole suggestion royally chaps my mom's ass, which I do find hilarious. Actually, anything that comes out of the mouth of any of my step-mother's family chaps my mom, but whatever.

Book rage

SPOILER FOR SEVERAL POPULAR BOOK SERIES TO FOLLOW)
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When J.K Rowling killed Sirius, and Dumbledore, and Fred Weasley, and Tonks and Lupin. . . and on and on and on, I understood. There was a war. Death happens.

When Charlaine Harris turned Bill Compton into a complete and total pantywaste, I put up with it. I get that there was a reason behind all of this.

When Anne Rice just lost her ever loving mind and started writing about Jesus. I just stopped reading her books.

When Stephenie Meyer wrote Breaking Dawn, I shut up and accepted her Mormon viewpoints and complete anticlimactic (and stupid) ending. Previous to that, I was respectful about her terrible writing and her stupid effing sparkling vampires.
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END SPOILERS

HOWEVER, this will not be tolerated. There are few fictional characters that I dare to put faith in that they will not be killed or otherwise ruined. Yes, that translates to there are worse things than death.

It was a crapshoot reading this particular book series in the first place, and I've put up with all sorts of shenanigans from said author. Particularly the off putting (read: non-existent) character development and the deus ex machina method of solving all problems. And the stupid bootleg pron-tastic behavior. AND the blatant MarySue-ish main character. I nearly forgot that. Oh the anger. I put up with all these things, and was a loyal reader. Then she goes and commits character assassination. Makes the one character who never would do. Can the bullshit about your characters "speaking" to you. There is a thing such as logical progression and set character traits. This fits into neither. Nor does it qualify as a twist ending. The first 16 books raped literary technique. Through it all, I kept quiet. I shudder to think how bad the ire will be when I finally break down and read the accursed book. Which I will, because I can't believe it actually happened. And because I'm loyal, to a fault, if nothing else. But mark my words, I am not happy.

Re-Post 3/31/2009 Peace

Peace
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life

Today, I will smile, and be
thankful for the crop circles in my life. Not the crop circles in others lives. Sometimes you think the universe is screwing you, but
it's really doing you a favor, it may just take you 5 years to figure
that out.

Currently watching: Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition) Release date: 2009-03-21

Just because.

Just because.

”It’s very simple.
Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard
poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard,
lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and, as
it always has, rock crushes scissors.”

Thanks to The Big Bang Theory. That show is often the highlight of my week.

Currently reading: Song of Kali By Dan Simmons

Re-Post 2/18/2009 The Perils of Prescription Drugs

The Perils of Prescription Drugs
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life

Firstly, I'd like to apologize to anyone that has had any sort of odd contact from me since approximately February 9, 2009.

I have been sick off and on for approximately 2 months. I figured that it was just a recurring cold or some nagging sinus infection I just couldn't kick. So, on February 9, I went to see a doctor. I hate doctors.

Doc decided that I had walking pneumonia. Yay. And prescribed Levaquin, prednisone and albuterol (which geeks you up on a good day).

Fine. I can handle a few prescription antibiotics, and although I really hate taking prednisone, I realize sometimes it is necessary, but the last time I took it, all I had was hot flashes and a bad attitude.

Hoo boy was I wrong.

To begin, Levaquin and prednisone are contraindicated. (Meaning you probably shouldn't be taking them together. Crap.)

But trying to be a good patient, I took my pills and just shut up about the nausea and it's accompanying wretchedness.

Until Tuesday night. When I had the psychological equivalent of a nuclear meltdown. While watching NCIS (WTF?). And crying and being generally apeshit. Even that I just dismissed as being sick and scared. Then came the horrible thoughts.

I choose not to share those. They were a little scary. Some people heard some of it. I tell them now, that was the least scary part. It got much worse in my head.

And then lo and behold, the hallucinations began. Oh yes, it was a bad acid trip in my head. I had many imaginary conversations with people, "remembered" things I've never done, had a little bit of a monsters under the bed moment. . . It goes on and on. In fact, today I'm "remembering" conversations that I know I have not actually had, with anyone.

I fairly notorious for having an active imagination and a touch of the crazy, but this was beyond my wildest dreams.

I realize I had been wandering about in some sort of drug fueled haze reminscent of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Fuck me, that was pretty high on the not fun times list.

Therefore, the moral of all this backstory it that if at anytime in the last 10 days I have contacted you and said or did anything that was stranger than my usual oddness, I apologize. I'm still having a hell of a time sorting out what actually happened, from what I think happened.

I got home from work today and decided to do a little research on my lingering sense of not-well-being, and found that there are a lot of other people that have had far worse responses than mine, including terrible allergic reactions and injured tendons and all sorts of horrid things. However, hallucinations, psychotic episodes and mood swings of epic proportions (did I forget to mention those?) seem to be fairly common. Wow.

Again, sorry for any inconvenience of the bonkers variety. I think I'm better. Still have a pretty persisent cough, but I think I'll take the cough over the evil drugs.

Thanks, though.

Never.

Freaking.

Again. (I do NOT need any assistance in the crazy department.)

Currently reading: Grave Peril (The Dresden Files, Book 3) By Jim Butcher Release date: 2001-09-05

Re-Post 1/12/2009 Untangle yourself

Untangle yourself
Current mood: artistic
Category: Life

................

"Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship."
— DorothyParker

.. ..

I have started this several times, but can’t get the ideas out the way I want them to come. There are so many things I want to cover, and no way how to weave them together coherently, but the weaving part is by far the most important.

.. ..

They are inter connected. It’s a tale of love and not-love, belief and ignorance, truth and denial.

.. ..

I know a girl, a lovely girl, a dear friend who means the world to me. This girl is caught up, in a tangled web of all these things, and people that are all/some/none of these things.

.. ..

Firstly,notice, I don’t say love and hate. It’s not about hate, that is reserved for others outside of this whirlwind of confusion. I think the core is to determine the difference between love and not-love. I’m relatively sure that is easier said than done. Love is easy right? Well at least knowing when you can call itlove is simple right? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s the not-love that’s the hard part. Or maybe the easy, because you know when it’s not-love, but then you reach the issue of what is it.

.. ..

Lust, infatuation, fascination,abhorrence, respect, logic, admiration, reverie? Thousands of other nouns describing feelings?

.. ..

It may be any or all of those things in one proportion or another, as long as they all fall into the category of not-love. The only constant is that those things are not-love. Or so you think.

.. ..

What if it is the combination of the aspects of not-love that make love?

.. ..

Oris love just love? Without explanation or accounting for any of those things? It just is, and we accept that? Seems to be the historic explanation. The explanation for no empirical evidence or satisfactory tangible proof of the existence of love or god.

.. ..

No concrete proof of god or love. Hmm. Just something you believe in or don’t. Isn’t that suspicious. That beings us around to belief vs.ignorance. Is it easier to love or not-love someone because of what they believe? Is it harder to love ignorance or conviction? What does any of that say about you? Do you want to be the person to condemn someone because of a shortsighted world view? Or do you want to step up and expand that view? Will they even let you? Is it worth your time? How do you know the difference?

.. ..

Belief vs. ignorance. Does that imply that you’re ignoring belief? Or is your belief based on ignorance?

.. ..

Isit more important that you know the truth or that you can live in denial? It seems that the common consensus is to keep hurtful truths to yourself, because the only person benefiting from that truth is the speaker, not the listener. Are you _________ enough to speak the truth at the cost of pain (the cost of pleasure) from the person you’re speaking to? Or are you a die-hard honesty is the best policy type? Maybe somewhere in the middle?

.. ..

Is it easier to love someone when you know their beliefs and all the truth? Or does that immediately make it not-love,something maybe lesser than love, or maybe something more? Do you love someone more when you see all the holes or do you shut down at a flaw? I hear the chorus now of “I love the imperfections in so-and-so, that why we’ll always be together. . . blah blah blah.” I’m not buying it. Ice chewing or a conspiracy theorist, where’s your personal breaking point, you have one, we all do.

.. ..

Would you rather be denied the truth and live under your own illusions? How is it that none of these questions are easy?

.. ..

Can you make a set of rules for the contacts in your life? Either all truth all the time or blissful ignorance? A combination of the two? Can you apply the exact same set of rules to everyone you know, friends, family, lovers? Do you have to have more than one set of rules? Is that dishonest, or just convenient? Are different people held to a different standard? Is it happening unconsciously?

.. ..

There are more questions than answers. There always seem to be more questions, and every question is followed by five more.

.. ..

I’m happy to answer my own questions. I’m not afraid of the answers, or ashamed of them.

.. ..

I believe in love. I also believe just as strongly in not-love. I think that love is as intangible as belief in anything else we can’t touch or see or smell or hear, but I think there in a tangibility in the not-love. It feels more real, and may be just that. It may be infinitely more important in the long run, you may find that you love your best friend, flaws and all, unconditionally, just because you do. You may also find that you have more not-love (maybe a combination of respect, admiration and contempt) for your husband, wife, girlfriend,boyfriend, significant other, and that is enough to keep you happy and together for whatever period of time you choose. Love isn’t necessarily sexual or romantic, or even familial. It just is what it is.

.. ..

I also believe in believing. I tell people all the time that I truly don’t care what they believe in, just that they believe in something. That’s how I feel,and that’s one of the things that enables me to maintain friendships with so many people that believe so many things. It’s important to me to know what you believe, that kind of information is as vital to me as remembering your birthday or what food you like. It goes for everyone in my life. I think that is an integral part of who you are, I don’t want to change it, or inflict my beliefs on you, I just want to know what makes you tick. I’m a well known agnostic, sometime atheist, childhood Catholic with Pagan leanings. That says a lot about me as a person. I’m also a scientist at heart and not particularly concerned with the human race. It seems to be in self destruct mode and there’s not a lot we can do about it. But I’d sell my soul to save the polar bears. Sounds like a big contradiction, but it’s not. People make their own choices. Choosing to explode yourself is your problem, just don’t inflict it on the innocents, like the plants and the animals and the children.

.. ..

I discussed faith with my sister-in-law one late-night early-morning, and explained to her that faith is something I have an abundance of. My faith is most likely just not your faith. I have faith in the ones I love, and faith that in the end they’ll do what’s best. I have that I’ll always be safe in the end, and I am. I don’t need to pray to Jesus or Allah or the Goddess, that doesn’t help me sleep at night. But simple faith that everything will be all right. And somehow it is. I don’t ask questions or motives, I also don’t know who or what to thank. So I do my good deeds and assist where I can, and try to not make too much of a mess of myself.

.. ..

I am guilty of being an honesty person, for the most part. The only exception is if I think you are not strong enough to handle the whole truth. That doesn’t happen often, but it has happened. And only omissions, never fabrications. I accept that it is sometimes a fact of life. Sometimes you have to lie to save someone you care about. It’s not pretty,but thinking about it, none of this essay is.

.. ..

It just is what it is. Apparently like everything.

.. ..

Oh, and the quote at the top. It means something to me. You all know that.

Currently reading: The Portable Dorothy Parker (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition) By Dorothy Parker

Re-Post 12/13/2008 Returning to your roots

Returning to your roots
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

I love my roots. I miss them. I won't be missing them anymore.

Back to reading obscure, obsolete, out-of-print books that make me scratch my head and wonder how I ever found them in the first place.

Back to listening to music that no one likes but me and some alpaca farmer somewhere.

Back to attending plays and visiting art galleries.

I have an abundance of free time, that I find myself wasting.

I was always painfully shy and socially retarded when I was younger. I think I was better off.

Just give me my Crazy Cat Lady Card and my weird books, and let me be.

But there's always room for good friends. You know who you are. You knew me when.

Currently listening: Only by the Night By Kings of Leon Release date: 2008-09-23

Re-Post 7/14/2008

Break up box
Current mood: irritated
Category: Friends

I was just wondering at what point in your life does an argument with a long-time friend end with that friend leaving a break up box (or bag as the case may be) on your doorstep. When did friendships get that complex? And why does it always contain something that you totally forgot they had? It's not a big deal it just kind of bothers me. If you know me you know that I don't usually receive break up boxes, but every time I turn around I'm going through some crap that amounts to a break up with a friend. It's stupid, and it pisses me off that I care.

However, I'm taking the high road. And being an adult. And wishing them the best. But I'm not going through this anymore. It's stupid. And it's consumed enough of me for long enough.

I can't seem to form a coherent thought about the situation, all I can muster is that it's stupid.

Oh well, life goes on.

Every thing happens for a reason.

Also, if I've ever had a disagreement with you and you haven't left me a break up box, thanks. Those things just get under my skin. It reminds me of a favorite t-shirt I lost many years ago, and truthfully the only thing that would arrive in a break up box that I'd be happy to see. As long as the t-shirt arrived without the person who kept it. That would cause me anxiety.

Currently listening: Dysfunction By Staind Release date: 1999-04-13

Re-Post 7/14/2008 Since when?

Since when?
Current mood: confident
Category: Life

Since when did I become the person to deal with angry clients?

Since when did I become the person who complains that they can't find their favorite earphones?

Since when did I start having "favorite"earphones?

Since when did I have friends in other states to visit when I was coming that way?

Since when do I go to other states to visit friends?

Since when was it an issue to decide between iTunes and an actual CD?

Since when did I not see friends because I had to work late?

Since when did I actually not kill herbs I'm growing?

Since when do I even TRY to grow herbs?

Since when do I lose my keys everyday, but can find files no one's seen in years?

Since when do I have a job involving lost files?

Since when is my hair a normal color and it ceases to surprise people?

Since when do I know people that couldn't imagine me having pink hair?

Since when do I vent on blogs?

Since when did I realize the importance of family?

I realize this is only a partial list of the questions I've been asking myself lately. But I think it gets to the root of the problem. I've turned around and changed into a semi-responsible, contributing member of society. It scares the hell out of me. I can do things I never thought were in the realm of possibility. I made it. I think that here, nearly 26 years old, and just graduating with an Associate's Degree, hey at least I finished something, I realize I might actually be a functioning member of society. It's a proud moment, I'm proud of myself. I worked hard and changed my evil (ha ha ha) ways. I typed all this and now I don't want to publish it because it seems silly.

I've got a pretty logical plan for my future, which I'm pretty sure I haven't had since I wanted to be an animal doctor when I was about 5. I think it'll all work out for the best, but the first day you realize it, it scares the living hell out of you.

Currently listening: Wanderlust By Gavin Rossdale Release date: 2008-06-03

Re-Post 4/15/2008 The reason I love my job

The reason I love my job.
Current mood: sneaky
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

So I'm sitting here at work, and not doing anything of any real importance, like usual. I spend most of my time doing nothing particuarly important. So I decide I would like something to drink. For those of you that don't know, my office is 2 floors of mostly empty space and storage boxes. There are 3 of us here daily and a 4th who comes in twice a week. It's a lot of empty space. We have 2 huge empty offices on our main level and basically an apartment upstairs. Complete with kitchen, dining table, futon, and a slightly creepy but squishy looking chair. There are also 2 stairways to reach that floor. One in the main hall near the offices where my co-workers reside. And a second in the supply closet. It's kind of a secret passage, as the stairs are accessible either from the over filled supply closet or the over filled file storage area. There are also bathrooms everwhere, including one tucked away more or less in the eave of the roof that gives it a funny small feeling.

I like that I have a secret passage. No one ever uses my supply room stairs, or really ever goes in my supply room at all, it's kind of my domain. I am the Keeper of the Paperclips.

I like to tromp up the stair and retrieve my water, or coke, or sprite or whatever is in the fridge this week, and scamper back to my desk with no one I work with being any the wiser.

It makes me feel very secretive, and I get so bored at work I pretend I'm doing really important work, and those files that I will soon be sorting and indexing contain some giant secret that I shall discover and will make me rich and famous.

And they'll write a book about me and I'll have my own special on the history channel.

I need more work to do. When I have little to do, I tend to have grand delusions. And write. Badly.

So that's the reason I love my job, because I have a secret passageway to the fridge, and it makes me feel special.

Dammit, you take joy where you can get it.

Re-Post 10/2/2007 Two Years

Two Years
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life

In two years, I've ended and began more things than I ever would have imagined. I'm sorry that you're not here to see us making it, finally. Good news is your "boys" are doing fine. Bad news, that damn cat is still alive, she'll outlive us all. There's a new addition too. Well not so new anymore, but he's my spoiled little brat. I've been back in school for a year, I have another year to go. Me working in the legal field? What was I thinking? And what would you have said? I still miss you, every day. But I'm ok. Even though for a while I wasn't sure, I know now I'll make it. You always did. I love you. I miss you. I always will.

Currently listening: The Three Musketeers: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By Michael Kamen Release date: 16 November, 1993

Re-Post 8/15/2006 Shifting the plates

Shifting the plates. . .
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

It's really quite simple. I've endured basic hell for the last ten months of my life. And no it's not a crutch or an excuse for my behavior. I'm not trying to use something that happened ten years ago to explain what's wrong with me now. but dammit I can have a proper year to reorganize my world. The new world with the big hole. I've neglected most everything in my life. And I apologize. But I will make it all right. Because when you care about people you work to salvage relationships. And this was all one very eloquently written blog but as per usual it got munched by the evil server demons. Now it's really simple.

New rules to live by:

1. Opinions are like assholes. You know the rest.
2. Regret what you did, not what you didn't.
3. Treasure what's truly important, fuck the rest.

Promises I make:

1. I promise never to ask for anything, that I wouldn't do for you.
2. I promise to pick up the pieces, even if I broke it.
3. I promise to listen to you. If you promise to speak.

Vows I will make:

1. I will love my friends forever. Some more than others. But everyone forever in some way. I can't turn it off. Sorry. For christ's sake, I'd help Christel if she called me right now.
2. If I do something wrong, asshole, bitchy, or just flat out mean. I apologize now. I'm sure I knew it was inappropriate, but the good possibility is that my sense of humor got out of control, again. No, it's not that I don't care. It's just me. I'm not a fundamentally very nice person. If you've known me more than a day, you know that. I have strong opinions and rarely bend.
3. I want all of my friends to love each other, but hell is still nice and toasty so I'm not holding my breath, but I will keep trying. I want it to all be good like it was for a while, and can be again if we all get over ourselves.

Nobody's perfect. I'm not and I know none of you are. We all make mistakes. Some big and some small. Mistakes are mistakes. Live, learn, forgive, and move on.

To the ten most important people in my life: My Mom, Tara, Miranda, Manda, Jessica, Vivian, Gisel, Brooke, Justin, and Lee. Some of you have already tested whether or not I will go away forever. I won't. Duh. This list won't shrink, but it will grow. It always does.

The rest of you that haven't known me very long or very well: I'll bust your ass for being stupid and then buy you a drink and laugh about it. And that's how it is, and always will be.

Re-Post 7/21/2006 Learning through practice?

Learning through practice?
Current mood: productive
Category: Life

Any of you that know me know that I have issues letting go. Albeit a wrinkled old sweater or a person in my life. Some of you have been held onto in my life so tight that I'll never let you go, where others I just want to permanently evict them from my head.
You know the type, the ones who creep into your mind at the most inopportune moments and don't deserve the electricity that your nerve impulses waste on them.
I have a few of those such "what might have been" creatures. And just today have I realized how to get rid of them. Allow me to share:

I had already retired for the night and was watching Fairy Tale on Sci-Fi and I had an epiphany important enought for me to get up out of bed and share it.

I now know how make them leave. It's a technique that I have subconsciouly employed for quite some time. Let me explain. . .

I am always attracted to people that have abilities and qualities that I do not possess. Some good, some evil. Mostly gray however. Each one of those individuals also has one particular trick that seems to fascinate me more than any other trait.

Example: Flipping an egg in a pan with out a spatula. Sounds crazy, right? Yes, quite possibly. Inconsequential in the grand scheme of things? Definitely. Vitally important to me? Also an affirmative. It was simply something I couldn't do. My inability to do this one thing, left space open in my head for a certain nameless individual. No matter how hard I tried or how much practice I had, I couldn't get that blasted egg to turnover properly in the pan and not land on the counter or worse just give a weak little wiggle and not even come close to becoming airborne. On the morning of my 20th birthday, I was cooking myself breakfast and on a whim I tried, one last time. Almost magically the egg went up in the air, did a perfect somersault and landed dead center of the pan. I nearly cried. Not only had I accomplished something I had never been able to do before, I also felt exorcised of a particularly long dwelling evil entity, and I haven't looked back. Of course there is the requisite bi-monthly "I wonder how so-and-so is faring these days" thought but no consuming interest. In the flip of an egg it was all over.

I'm not as mad as I sound, I promise.

I'm just fundamentally extremely competitive. If I can do it then I don't need someone else to do it for me. It's not even a matter of it being a useful skill like starting a fire with two sticks (which by the way I can already do, so no one's catching me on that one), it's far more likely to be something as irrelevant as flipping a bloody egg.

Note to self: No more BBC for me.

Now, onto my current project, which I have nearly succeeded with. I choose not to share what this particular talent is, because if I shared then many more people would know who and what this is in reference to than I should truly like to divulge. Suffice it to say, once again my hetero life-mate, who is commonly someone's demise, let's call it a demon's demise, quite literally in this case, has both made the mess and cleaned it up. (And yes, Mary Magdalene, I can. Almost. At least near enough for it to count, and I'll show you when I'm good enough to be proud.)

Also remember that little pitches have big ears. Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about here, and while I truly welcome any comments on the validity of this theory, I would appreciate the avoidance of any name naming or obvious references.

Have any of you ever had similar issues? Or used similar tricks? I'd love to know. . . I know I have readers and lurkers, but rarely commenters. . .

Currently watching: Fairy Tale - A True Story Release date: 11 November, 2003

Re-Post 7/4/2006 Planning my own Boston Tea Party

Planning my own Boston Tea Party
Current mood: discontent
Category: Life

Well here it is, July 4th. For those of you that know me well it is my most hated holiday. Definitely not because of the copious amounts of both explosives and barbecue, because in truthe those are two of my most favorite things. The hatred is because for many consecutive years something strikingly unpleasant happened to me on the 4th of July. I shoose not to go into details, but it's been ongoing for years. So this year I stumbled upon a passage in a book that seems to fit. Not only this particular day but the state of my life in general.

From Robert Pirsig's Lila.

"There's an old analogy to a cup of tea. If you want to drink new tea you have to get rid of the old tea that's in your cup, otherwise your cup just overflows and you get a wet mess. Your head is like that cup. It has a limited capacity and if you want to learn something about the world you should keep your head empty in order to learn it. It's very easy to spend your whole life swishing old tea around in your cup thinking it's great stuff because you've never really tried anything new, because you could never get it in, because the old stuff prevented its entry because you were so sure the old stuff was good, because you never really tried anything new. . . on and on in an endless circular pattern."

How's that for profound. Kinda makes my head hurt, but I think it means a lot. Especially to me. And my notoriously over filled head. . . Oh and just so you know this wisdom is brought to you by the same man who graced modern literature with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
If you haven't read either of these books you should. It might make a difference.

Currently reading: Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals By Robert Pirsig Release date: 01 November, 1992

Re-Post 6/19/2006 Spiders

Spiders
Current mood: devious
Category: Pets and Animals

I hate spiders. This is not anything new to those of you who have seen the arachnoleptic fits I throw when I so much as glimpse a spiderweb within 500 yards of my person. So I have taken a proactive route on dealing with them. Just follow the steps:

1. Acquire a candle lighter or really long match.

2. Seek out offending 8 legged beasts. Even if you are fearful, take the bull by the horns.

3. Ignite incendiary device.

4. Place below spider on web or strand of silk. Take care to not go above the spider as it can land on you while still alive.

5. Ignite spider. Hold flame until it curls up and falls harmlessly to the ground. Sometimes there is a little finesse required as spider silk burns quickly and the spider is definitely going to make a run northward.

6. Enjoy a world with one less spider.

7. Repeat.

Makes me very happy, you should try it.

Currently watching: Dave Attell Insomniac Tour Presents: Sean Rouse, Greg Giraldo & Dane Cook Release date: 11 April, 2006

Re-Post 5/29/2006 10 Things about the beach

10 Things about the Beach
Current mood: discontent
Category: Travel and Places

I wrote a beautiful detailed account of my trip earlier today but lost it. . . so here goes a short list version:

Ten Reasons Myrtle Beach was a nightmare
1. Crotch Rockets in MASSIVE quantities.
2. Girls wearing thongs and little else on back of said crotch rockets.
3. Traffic directly related to thongs and crotch rockets.
4. Random torrential downpours.
5. Power outages during downpours.
6. Scary 70's trailer with strange sounds all night long.
7. Five hour car rides with a driving critic.
8. Sunburn.
9. Sunburn.
10. Four words: Atlantic Beach Bike Week (Google it if you're confused.)

Ten Reasons None Of The Above List Matter
10. Not being in Augusta for 51 straight hours.
9. 120-item seafood buffets at the Giant Crab.( Whatever kataifi is I like it.)
8. Coming home in the evening to find a bunny rabbit in your yard.
7. Watermelon and conversation with your hetero life-mate.
6. Scary 70's trailer.
5. Playing in the ocean til you are beet red and bruised from the waves.
4. Salt water taffy.
3. Being near the ocean. Period.
2. Viewing everything as an adventure instead of something unpleasant.
And the number one reason none of the crap matters?
1. The sound of a cracking whip at Medieval Times, and realizing you like that sound entirely too much. . .

Currently watching: 2 Fast 2 Furious Release date: 20 September, 2005

Re-Post 5/14/2006 Let's Pretend

Let's pretend.
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

Well it's the wee hours of Mother's Day morning. I'm not entirely sure why that is causing me such distress but my god I feel like I've been barreled over by some sort of nastily violent emotional train. I'm thankful that I get to wish my mom a happy mother's day, but I just feel like something is missing. Even though I know what that is, it's just not feeling right.
I miss my Nana.
I feel like a lunatic sitting here crying over my keyboard at nearly two in the morning but some days are better than others.
Some days you know you'll be just fine, others it's all you can do to maintain.
I've just spent a lovely evening with some of my best friends and am most thankful for all of them. But it just makes it harder that she isn't here to see us all together, all friends, having fun and knowing that nothing will tear us apart again.
It kills me that she's not here to see that it's all ok, but in some large way it's all her doing. And I trust that she sees it all, and knows that everything is ok.
So I now catch myself sounding like a nutter, must be bed time.
God the things in my head.
Hey Nana, it makes you happy, I know that. Ick.

Currently listening: The Best Of The Doors By The Doors Release date: 25 October, 1990

Re-Post 4/25/2006 Shrew

Shrew
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

I am a shrew.

Or at least I have been described as one many times and many ways in the course of my life. It all started when a classmate of mine went out of her way one day to tell me I should watch the movie "10 Things I Hate About You." She said it reminded her of me. Keep in mind this girl was merely an acquaintance, not someone I knew well or spent much time with at all.
So I watched the movie at my earliest convenience, needless to say it was enlightening. I did recognize a few of my own personal characteristics in the rather nastily blunt girl. In the end every thing worked out for her so I just took it in stride and continued on with my life.

Fast forward a few years and I now find myself as a threat to a friend's husband. Basically everytime he gets a little out of hand we gently remind him that he could be married to me, and immediately he straightens up and begins to fly right. Yeah, I think it's funny.

Let's now scroll to a conversation I had earlier this evening with a very good male friend of mine. The general gist of the conversation wasn't important, but here's what you need to know:

Me: "You know you could always marry me. . ."
Him: "At the wedding you'd say 'I do, NOW DIE FUCKER!"
Me: "That's not nice"
Him: "And I'd say 'Please don't kill me"
Me: "At least I know I can make you beg for mercy."

End quotes.

Now, that shouldn't have set so funny with me, as we are good friends and both have a tendency towards not so funny humor. At any rate, it upset me, not because of some latent desire to persue marriage with said individual, because even I am not a masochist of that magnitude, but because of the general "caustic shrew bitch" sentiment behind it.

There seems to be a pattern forming. . .

1. I can't keep guy friends, unless they set off every Gay-dar for 1,000 miles.
2. I am notoriously attracted to unavailable males. (Be it physically, emotionally or psychologically.)
3. The males who mistakenly think they are brave enough to attempt to take me on have a tendency to run faster than eyeliner in the Amazon. And yes it was only ONE guy who called me and I laid the phone down to blow-dry my hair, and promptly forgot he was there. ABANDON SHIP!!!!
4. I give great break up advice. (I can help you dipose of any rubbish hangin about!) As far as ways to make your relationship last? You might as well ask advice from Elizabeth Taylor.
5. I am fully aware that I could chew up the Terminator, and spit him out in lovely bracelet links. . .

But it remains that none of this is intentional, I think it's just me.

Thanks Nana.

You made me this way and now you're not here to reap what you've sown.

For now I will make my peace and realize that as long as the standards stay high and the bullshit is kept to a bare minimum all will be well. Besides there must be someone out there who either doesn't know me by reputation or has a serious desire to be psychologically maimed. . .

A girl can dream can't she?



PS: I choose to congratulate myself on a blog NOT inspired by Tara.

Currently listening: Dirty Little Secret By All-American Rejects Release date: 22 December, 2005

Re-Post 3/25/2006 Narcoleptic Insomnia

Narcoleptic Insomnia
Current mood: groggy
Category: Life

So sleep is becoming a bit of a joke for me. I can't sleep at night like normal people, but I pretend to work during the day. That makes me one of those bizarre twilight sleepers. Today for example, I quit pretending to work about four, and by like 4:15 I was out cold, and did not wake up until almost 9. Now it is after 1 and I am sitting here screwing around on MySpace, and thinking about how I should be sleeping. I'm too tired to say anything clever and insightful, and too wired to do anything else.
I guess I just have a lot of things in my head that aren't making a lot of sense. But in my head that's always the case. I guess I am just feeling a little lonely, for lack of a better word, and sadly that has been a bit of a pattern lately. Could I, the Queen of the Surviving Singles, actually be starting to hate it? Oh I think I should go to sleep right now. As I am comtemplating posting the multiple page list that is best identified as why I am single. It's really just a list of what I expect from the opposite sex, but it is more of a manifesto. Again, thanks Tara for making the list even longer. (God why weren't you born a guy and taller?) Oh wait you were, but you're dating him! And believe me I'm cool with that, ya'll are soooooooooooo cute. Says everyone. Besides if that was your male incarnate I don't think I'd really want ya anyway, he's kind of a goof. (Again that's perfectly ok!) (For you.) Oh shit I'm rambling and talking in circles again. BAD! I must quit now for fear that the circle will open and some poor soul out there will actually understand what I'm really prattling on about. There must be a 12-step for me somewhere.
Just quickly review the 12-steps and now I'm absolutely sure they wouldn't do me any good at all. Mainly because the whole turning your life over to God isn't going to help my situation. He washed his hands of my crazy ass years ago. And so help me if I receive one comment telling me to find God I will hunt you down. My relationship with the greater good is just peachy tyvm.
I don't bother it.
It don't bother me.
Same agreement I have with bees.
Oh the incoherent rambling. . .
One day I'll just cough it all up.

Currently watching: Hackers

Re-Post 3/14/2006 RANT TIME

RANT TIME!
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

Ok, so this is how it is. I am hating people this week. I am trying to survive this new business thing and a lot of it is being charming to strangers, which is in total conflict with my people hating of late.
I'm annoyed by people who mindlessly try to convince themselves that they are happy because they are too fucking scared to change things.
I'm annoyed by people who lie and connive because they are too fucking ignorant to be honest.
I am annoyed by the people that cause you to lose friends you care about.
I'm annoyed with the fact that I can't seem to find a temperature that mkes me happy, either i am freezing to death or burning in hellfire. (Yeah I know, nothing to do with the topics at hand, but F-U it's my damn blog!)
I'm annoyed by people that butt into conversations they know nothing about.
I'm annoyed by unsolicited advice.
I'm annoyed by women who are worth more than their significant others will ever know.
I'm annoyed by men who get caught up by pussy. It's not the end of the fucking world.
I'm annoyed by women who think dick is the be all and end all of the world. Think about it, there are a billion more just like it out there.
I'm annoyed by men who are average fathers and failing husbands.
I'm annoyed by children. Period. (Except one.)
I'm annoyed by people who DON'T do something just because the cool kids are doing it. Dammit if it makes you happy!
I'm annoyed by mental laziness and emotional retardation.
I'm annoyed that I can't insult people in the way I am accustomed because they are too dense to break the words down. PHONICS, you fuck up.
I'm annoyed by MySpace whoring. No one is that fucking cool, k?
I'm annoyed by cheating, may it be on your spouse or at Yahtzee, come on just be honest.
I'm annoyed by the fact that everytime I ask someone a question I also have to ask "are you lying?"
I'm annoyed by having to think so much. It hurts my brain to deal with stupidity. I like being smart. I don't want your stupid rubbing off on me.
I'm annoyed by immaturity. It is rampant, like Kudzu on a hot summer day.
Well the basic generalization here is that people are buggin me.
Oh yeah. . .
I'm also annoyed by people who rant randomly and talk in circles.
I promise I'll get better.

Currently listening: Harmful If Swallowed (CD & DVD) By Dane Cook Release date: 22 July, 2003

Re-Post 3/12/2006 Things I learned this week

Things I learned this week!
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Well my mom and I have decided to start our own business, and in that endeavor we have learned many things. Here is a short list to tell you what the last week of my life has been like:

1. When you go to a job and decide that you can do a better job of doing it yourself, then do it your way.
2. Making an office in your home is the best thing ever.
3. Making an office in your home is a living fucking nightmare. Especially when you are already notorious for having entirely too much crap.
4. I currently feel like I am in one of those number puzzles where you have to organize the numbers into numerical order but you can't take any of the pieces out.
5. Working in your bathrobe is the best feeling ever.
6. Your friends that swore never to help you move anything ever again lied.
7. Sometimes you sacrifice your two square feet of bedroom floor space to find a home for that one lost lonely chair, that no one wants.
8. Hammering at all hours of the day and night is normal.
9. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.
10. And last but not least, sometimes your guinea pig, whom you love dearly, loses his house and has to spend a night sleeping in the hall.
P.S. I'll sell you my mom and her idea for a slight nominal fee. . .
P.P.S If this crazy idea flies, I might want her back! Hello Tahiti!

Currently listening: Wither Blister Burn & Peel By Stabbing Westward Release date: 23 January, 1996