Re-Post 7/14/2008

Break up box
Current mood: irritated
Category: Friends

I was just wondering at what point in your life does an argument with a long-time friend end with that friend leaving a break up box (or bag as the case may be) on your doorstep. When did friendships get that complex? And why does it always contain something that you totally forgot they had? It's not a big deal it just kind of bothers me. If you know me you know that I don't usually receive break up boxes, but every time I turn around I'm going through some crap that amounts to a break up with a friend. It's stupid, and it pisses me off that I care.

However, I'm taking the high road. And being an adult. And wishing them the best. But I'm not going through this anymore. It's stupid. And it's consumed enough of me for long enough.

I can't seem to form a coherent thought about the situation, all I can muster is that it's stupid.

Oh well, life goes on.

Every thing happens for a reason.

Also, if I've ever had a disagreement with you and you haven't left me a break up box, thanks. Those things just get under my skin. It reminds me of a favorite t-shirt I lost many years ago, and truthfully the only thing that would arrive in a break up box that I'd be happy to see. As long as the t-shirt arrived without the person who kept it. That would cause me anxiety.

Currently listening: Dysfunction By Staind Release date: 1999-04-13

Re-Post 7/14/2008 Since when?

Since when?
Current mood: confident
Category: Life

Since when did I become the person to deal with angry clients?

Since when did I become the person who complains that they can't find their favorite earphones?

Since when did I start having "favorite"earphones?

Since when did I have friends in other states to visit when I was coming that way?

Since when do I go to other states to visit friends?

Since when was it an issue to decide between iTunes and an actual CD?

Since when did I not see friends because I had to work late?

Since when did I actually not kill herbs I'm growing?

Since when do I even TRY to grow herbs?

Since when do I lose my keys everyday, but can find files no one's seen in years?

Since when do I have a job involving lost files?

Since when is my hair a normal color and it ceases to surprise people?

Since when do I know people that couldn't imagine me having pink hair?

Since when do I vent on blogs?

Since when did I realize the importance of family?

I realize this is only a partial list of the questions I've been asking myself lately. But I think it gets to the root of the problem. I've turned around and changed into a semi-responsible, contributing member of society. It scares the hell out of me. I can do things I never thought were in the realm of possibility. I made it. I think that here, nearly 26 years old, and just graduating with an Associate's Degree, hey at least I finished something, I realize I might actually be a functioning member of society. It's a proud moment, I'm proud of myself. I worked hard and changed my evil (ha ha ha) ways. I typed all this and now I don't want to publish it because it seems silly.

I've got a pretty logical plan for my future, which I'm pretty sure I haven't had since I wanted to be an animal doctor when I was about 5. I think it'll all work out for the best, but the first day you realize it, it scares the living hell out of you.

Currently listening: Wanderlust By Gavin Rossdale Release date: 2008-06-03

Re-Post 4/15/2008 The reason I love my job

The reason I love my job.
Current mood: sneaky
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

So I'm sitting here at work, and not doing anything of any real importance, like usual. I spend most of my time doing nothing particuarly important. So I decide I would like something to drink. For those of you that don't know, my office is 2 floors of mostly empty space and storage boxes. There are 3 of us here daily and a 4th who comes in twice a week. It's a lot of empty space. We have 2 huge empty offices on our main level and basically an apartment upstairs. Complete with kitchen, dining table, futon, and a slightly creepy but squishy looking chair. There are also 2 stairways to reach that floor. One in the main hall near the offices where my co-workers reside. And a second in the supply closet. It's kind of a secret passage, as the stairs are accessible either from the over filled supply closet or the over filled file storage area. There are also bathrooms everwhere, including one tucked away more or less in the eave of the roof that gives it a funny small feeling.

I like that I have a secret passage. No one ever uses my supply room stairs, or really ever goes in my supply room at all, it's kind of my domain. I am the Keeper of the Paperclips.

I like to tromp up the stair and retrieve my water, or coke, or sprite or whatever is in the fridge this week, and scamper back to my desk with no one I work with being any the wiser.

It makes me feel very secretive, and I get so bored at work I pretend I'm doing really important work, and those files that I will soon be sorting and indexing contain some giant secret that I shall discover and will make me rich and famous.

And they'll write a book about me and I'll have my own special on the history channel.

I need more work to do. When I have little to do, I tend to have grand delusions. And write. Badly.

So that's the reason I love my job, because I have a secret passageway to the fridge, and it makes me feel special.

Dammit, you take joy where you can get it.

Re-Post 10/2/2007 Two Years

Two Years
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life

In two years, I've ended and began more things than I ever would have imagined. I'm sorry that you're not here to see us making it, finally. Good news is your "boys" are doing fine. Bad news, that damn cat is still alive, she'll outlive us all. There's a new addition too. Well not so new anymore, but he's my spoiled little brat. I've been back in school for a year, I have another year to go. Me working in the legal field? What was I thinking? And what would you have said? I still miss you, every day. But I'm ok. Even though for a while I wasn't sure, I know now I'll make it. You always did. I love you. I miss you. I always will.

Currently listening: The Three Musketeers: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By Michael Kamen Release date: 16 November, 1993

Re-Post 8/15/2006 Shifting the plates

Shifting the plates. . .
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

It's really quite simple. I've endured basic hell for the last ten months of my life. And no it's not a crutch or an excuse for my behavior. I'm not trying to use something that happened ten years ago to explain what's wrong with me now. but dammit I can have a proper year to reorganize my world. The new world with the big hole. I've neglected most everything in my life. And I apologize. But I will make it all right. Because when you care about people you work to salvage relationships. And this was all one very eloquently written blog but as per usual it got munched by the evil server demons. Now it's really simple.

New rules to live by:

1. Opinions are like assholes. You know the rest.
2. Regret what you did, not what you didn't.
3. Treasure what's truly important, fuck the rest.

Promises I make:

1. I promise never to ask for anything, that I wouldn't do for you.
2. I promise to pick up the pieces, even if I broke it.
3. I promise to listen to you. If you promise to speak.

Vows I will make:

1. I will love my friends forever. Some more than others. But everyone forever in some way. I can't turn it off. Sorry. For christ's sake, I'd help Christel if she called me right now.
2. If I do something wrong, asshole, bitchy, or just flat out mean. I apologize now. I'm sure I knew it was inappropriate, but the good possibility is that my sense of humor got out of control, again. No, it's not that I don't care. It's just me. I'm not a fundamentally very nice person. If you've known me more than a day, you know that. I have strong opinions and rarely bend.
3. I want all of my friends to love each other, but hell is still nice and toasty so I'm not holding my breath, but I will keep trying. I want it to all be good like it was for a while, and can be again if we all get over ourselves.

Nobody's perfect. I'm not and I know none of you are. We all make mistakes. Some big and some small. Mistakes are mistakes. Live, learn, forgive, and move on.

To the ten most important people in my life: My Mom, Tara, Miranda, Manda, Jessica, Vivian, Gisel, Brooke, Justin, and Lee. Some of you have already tested whether or not I will go away forever. I won't. Duh. This list won't shrink, but it will grow. It always does.

The rest of you that haven't known me very long or very well: I'll bust your ass for being stupid and then buy you a drink and laugh about it. And that's how it is, and always will be.

Re-Post 7/21/2006 Learning through practice?

Learning through practice?
Current mood: productive
Category: Life

Any of you that know me know that I have issues letting go. Albeit a wrinkled old sweater or a person in my life. Some of you have been held onto in my life so tight that I'll never let you go, where others I just want to permanently evict them from my head.
You know the type, the ones who creep into your mind at the most inopportune moments and don't deserve the electricity that your nerve impulses waste on them.
I have a few of those such "what might have been" creatures. And just today have I realized how to get rid of them. Allow me to share:

I had already retired for the night and was watching Fairy Tale on Sci-Fi and I had an epiphany important enought for me to get up out of bed and share it.

I now know how make them leave. It's a technique that I have subconsciouly employed for quite some time. Let me explain. . .

I am always attracted to people that have abilities and qualities that I do not possess. Some good, some evil. Mostly gray however. Each one of those individuals also has one particular trick that seems to fascinate me more than any other trait.

Example: Flipping an egg in a pan with out a spatula. Sounds crazy, right? Yes, quite possibly. Inconsequential in the grand scheme of things? Definitely. Vitally important to me? Also an affirmative. It was simply something I couldn't do. My inability to do this one thing, left space open in my head for a certain nameless individual. No matter how hard I tried or how much practice I had, I couldn't get that blasted egg to turnover properly in the pan and not land on the counter or worse just give a weak little wiggle and not even come close to becoming airborne. On the morning of my 20th birthday, I was cooking myself breakfast and on a whim I tried, one last time. Almost magically the egg went up in the air, did a perfect somersault and landed dead center of the pan. I nearly cried. Not only had I accomplished something I had never been able to do before, I also felt exorcised of a particularly long dwelling evil entity, and I haven't looked back. Of course there is the requisite bi-monthly "I wonder how so-and-so is faring these days" thought but no consuming interest. In the flip of an egg it was all over.

I'm not as mad as I sound, I promise.

I'm just fundamentally extremely competitive. If I can do it then I don't need someone else to do it for me. It's not even a matter of it being a useful skill like starting a fire with two sticks (which by the way I can already do, so no one's catching me on that one), it's far more likely to be something as irrelevant as flipping a bloody egg.

Note to self: No more BBC for me.

Now, onto my current project, which I have nearly succeeded with. I choose not to share what this particular talent is, because if I shared then many more people would know who and what this is in reference to than I should truly like to divulge. Suffice it to say, once again my hetero life-mate, who is commonly someone's demise, let's call it a demon's demise, quite literally in this case, has both made the mess and cleaned it up. (And yes, Mary Magdalene, I can. Almost. At least near enough for it to count, and I'll show you when I'm good enough to be proud.)

Also remember that little pitches have big ears. Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about here, and while I truly welcome any comments on the validity of this theory, I would appreciate the avoidance of any name naming or obvious references.

Have any of you ever had similar issues? Or used similar tricks? I'd love to know. . . I know I have readers and lurkers, but rarely commenters. . .

Currently watching: Fairy Tale - A True Story Release date: 11 November, 2003

Re-Post 7/4/2006 Planning my own Boston Tea Party

Planning my own Boston Tea Party
Current mood: discontent
Category: Life

Well here it is, July 4th. For those of you that know me well it is my most hated holiday. Definitely not because of the copious amounts of both explosives and barbecue, because in truthe those are two of my most favorite things. The hatred is because for many consecutive years something strikingly unpleasant happened to me on the 4th of July. I shoose not to go into details, but it's been ongoing for years. So this year I stumbled upon a passage in a book that seems to fit. Not only this particular day but the state of my life in general.

From Robert Pirsig's Lila.

"There's an old analogy to a cup of tea. If you want to drink new tea you have to get rid of the old tea that's in your cup, otherwise your cup just overflows and you get a wet mess. Your head is like that cup. It has a limited capacity and if you want to learn something about the world you should keep your head empty in order to learn it. It's very easy to spend your whole life swishing old tea around in your cup thinking it's great stuff because you've never really tried anything new, because you could never get it in, because the old stuff prevented its entry because you were so sure the old stuff was good, because you never really tried anything new. . . on and on in an endless circular pattern."

How's that for profound. Kinda makes my head hurt, but I think it means a lot. Especially to me. And my notoriously over filled head. . . Oh and just so you know this wisdom is brought to you by the same man who graced modern literature with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
If you haven't read either of these books you should. It might make a difference.

Currently reading: Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals By Robert Pirsig Release date: 01 November, 1992

Re-Post 6/19/2006 Spiders

Spiders
Current mood: devious
Category: Pets and Animals

I hate spiders. This is not anything new to those of you who have seen the arachnoleptic fits I throw when I so much as glimpse a spiderweb within 500 yards of my person. So I have taken a proactive route on dealing with them. Just follow the steps:

1. Acquire a candle lighter or really long match.

2. Seek out offending 8 legged beasts. Even if you are fearful, take the bull by the horns.

3. Ignite incendiary device.

4. Place below spider on web or strand of silk. Take care to not go above the spider as it can land on you while still alive.

5. Ignite spider. Hold flame until it curls up and falls harmlessly to the ground. Sometimes there is a little finesse required as spider silk burns quickly and the spider is definitely going to make a run northward.

6. Enjoy a world with one less spider.

7. Repeat.

Makes me very happy, you should try it.

Currently watching: Dave Attell Insomniac Tour Presents: Sean Rouse, Greg Giraldo & Dane Cook Release date: 11 April, 2006

Re-Post 5/29/2006 10 Things about the beach

10 Things about the Beach
Current mood: discontent
Category: Travel and Places

I wrote a beautiful detailed account of my trip earlier today but lost it. . . so here goes a short list version:

Ten Reasons Myrtle Beach was a nightmare
1. Crotch Rockets in MASSIVE quantities.
2. Girls wearing thongs and little else on back of said crotch rockets.
3. Traffic directly related to thongs and crotch rockets.
4. Random torrential downpours.
5. Power outages during downpours.
6. Scary 70's trailer with strange sounds all night long.
7. Five hour car rides with a driving critic.
8. Sunburn.
9. Sunburn.
10. Four words: Atlantic Beach Bike Week (Google it if you're confused.)

Ten Reasons None Of The Above List Matter
10. Not being in Augusta for 51 straight hours.
9. 120-item seafood buffets at the Giant Crab.( Whatever kataifi is I like it.)
8. Coming home in the evening to find a bunny rabbit in your yard.
7. Watermelon and conversation with your hetero life-mate.
6. Scary 70's trailer.
5. Playing in the ocean til you are beet red and bruised from the waves.
4. Salt water taffy.
3. Being near the ocean. Period.
2. Viewing everything as an adventure instead of something unpleasant.
And the number one reason none of the crap matters?
1. The sound of a cracking whip at Medieval Times, and realizing you like that sound entirely too much. . .

Currently watching: 2 Fast 2 Furious Release date: 20 September, 2005

Re-Post 5/14/2006 Let's Pretend

Let's pretend.
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

Well it's the wee hours of Mother's Day morning. I'm not entirely sure why that is causing me such distress but my god I feel like I've been barreled over by some sort of nastily violent emotional train. I'm thankful that I get to wish my mom a happy mother's day, but I just feel like something is missing. Even though I know what that is, it's just not feeling right.
I miss my Nana.
I feel like a lunatic sitting here crying over my keyboard at nearly two in the morning but some days are better than others.
Some days you know you'll be just fine, others it's all you can do to maintain.
I've just spent a lovely evening with some of my best friends and am most thankful for all of them. But it just makes it harder that she isn't here to see us all together, all friends, having fun and knowing that nothing will tear us apart again.
It kills me that she's not here to see that it's all ok, but in some large way it's all her doing. And I trust that she sees it all, and knows that everything is ok.
So I now catch myself sounding like a nutter, must be bed time.
God the things in my head.
Hey Nana, it makes you happy, I know that. Ick.

Currently listening: The Best Of The Doors By The Doors Release date: 25 October, 1990