I miss my best friend.

FRIENDSHIP, SONNET #2
© 1996, Melissa Kress

We had a friendship pure and true,
A friendship time could never cease,
That in sad moments, could renew,
And bring to us release,
We had a friendship, you and I,
That was taken much for granted.
We thought that it would never die,
Much like the seed that we have planted.
And in such haste did we forget,
The love required to grow,
And at our feet it shall be set,
Drowning from feelings never shown.
Maybe we can save this seed before its time is through,
For I've never had a friendship, as the one i have with you.

Do you bet on the sure thing or the long shot?

Do you bet on the sure thing or the long shot?

I think I'm a gambler at heart. I've always placed my bets on the long shot, never the sure thing. That's fundamentally against who I am. However, today I find myself possibly being forced to take the sure thing, and possibly lose out on the long shot in the end. I'm not 100% sure I can do that.

I've always taken the long shot and many times it has paid off big and many times it has slapped me in the face. I'm not sure what to do, and I feel like I need to discuss it with someone, but I have no idea who to discuss it with.

I've been having a little trouble with decisions lately. I'm barely capable of choosing a toothpaste to buy. I keep second guessing myself when I've always trusted my instinct before. The last few major decisions I've made have ended anywhere from bad to horrific.

I suppose I'll make a stupid pro-con list and see how it all stacks up. Something tells me that's not going to help, but at this point, I'll seek guidance where it lies.

Yeah, that's why.

Two Cats

by Katha Pollitt

It's better to be a cat than to be a human.
Not because of their much-noted grace and beauty—
their beauty wins them no added pleasure, grace is
only a cat's way

of getting without fuss from one place to another—
but because they see things as they are. Cats never mistake a
saucer of milk for a declaration of passion
or the crook of your knees for

a permanent address. Observing two cats on a sunporch,
you might think of them as a pair of Florentine bravoes
awaiting through slitted eyes the least lapse of attention—
then slash! the stiletto

or alternately as a long-married couple, who hardly
notice each other but find it somehow a comfort
sharing the couch, the evening news, the cocoa.
Both these ideas

are wrong. Two cats together are like two strangers
cast up by different storms on the same desert island
who manage to guard, despite the utter absence
of privacy, chocolate,

useful domestic articles, reading material,
their separate solitudes. They would not dream of
telling each other their dreams, or the plots of old movies,
or inventing a bookful

of coconut recipes. Where we would long ago have
frantically shredded our underwear into signal
flags and be dancing obscenely about on the shore in
a desperate frenzy,

they merely shift on their haunches, calm as two stoics
weighing the probable odds of the soul's immortality,
as if to say, if a ship should happen along we'll
be rescued. If not, not.



***I think this just about says it all.

I am not a lesbian.

I am also not asexual, bisexual, or even try-sexual for what it's worth. I'm just not. Sorry to disappoint.

I'm not going to waste my time (and possibly sound patronizing) by saying that "if I was I'd tell you" or some equally ridiculous crap.

I'm simply not any of these things.

However, our of sheer morbid curiosity, let's break down the reasons that I think that you might think that:

1. I don't date, am not married, do not have children, etc.

- Guess what? I'm picky. I am not willing to waste my time (or theirs) on someone who I can quickly dismiss as not-for-me. I have a list of requirements a mile long and the vast majority of those are simply non-negotiable. I'll spare you the details, but it's that simple. As Cher (in Clueless) said "Look how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet." I have in my life met only a small handful of men that even came close to thinking about reaching the bar that I have set in my mind, and in all honesty, you'd probably be very surprised to find out who a few of those men are. I don't harbor some weird I-am-a-princess mentality(contrary to popular belief), I just know what I want and equally well what I don't. I even tried relaxing my regulations, but it gave me such an overwhelming sense of "settling" that I couldn't live with myself. I don't need someone in my life to make me feel better about me, thanks. I stayed awake during the whole self esteem chapter in health class. Not to mention that my grandmother told me I was beautiful, and I believed her. I'm far happier alone until (if and when) I find someone that is exactly who I am looking for, and in the meantime I have no desire to run around kissing frogs and getting warts that antibiotics can't cure. Nope, I'll pass, but thanks.

2. I don't wear make-up, blow dry my hair, or wear heels everyday.

- I'm not the only heterosexual woman on the planet that doesn't do these things. In fact, I'm not even the only one of my friends that doesn't do these things. Sure, I clean up well, and nothing in the world makes me happier than getting all dolled up and going out looking a little bit slutty. But that's just not the everyday me, I'm not really that high maintenance. True, my everyday lip balm may cost more than your entire outfit, but I don't care to dress up and play a part everyday. Yeah, yeah, the world's a stage and all that jazz. It's not being true to who I am. Deep down, I'm just a Birkenstock wearing dirty foot hippie with an appreciation for fine cosmetics. Yes, you can be both. You can also kiss my ass if you don't agree. Frankly, I don't give a damn one way or another. I'm going to wear whatever I please. I also will say and do whatever I please, regardless of what I am wearing or for that matter where I am. It's who I am.

3. I'm fat.

- HA! I love this one more than anything for several reasons. Hmm, where to start. Firstly, being large, fat, overweight, plus-size, Shamu, whatever you want to call it does not make you gay. True, you see a lot of fluffy (FFS, I truly hate that word) lesbians, but it's really a chicken-egg question. I feel that real life, as well as on the Internet, seems to perpetuate that rumor, especially on the FA (fat acceptance) blogs and their whole view of life. To each his own, I suppose. One better, most of my friends who are also on the larger side are exceptionally promiscuous (or once were). They know who they are. In those cases, it's not about building a lasting healthy grown-up relationship, it's about getting laid to feel better about yourself, which is totally not what I am about. See No. 1. Please don't try to chalk this up to secret body image issues, or something similar. It is simply not the case. Anyone who has spent any time with me knows I'm the first one to slap on a bathing suit and parade about wherever I may be. Be it the lake, the beach, or my own yard. I'm happy to wear sleeveless, strapless, low cut, whatever. I don't care. I am also a firm believer in "just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it." I'm the first one to go on fat girl patrol. Granted, that's usually after several drinks, but whatever.

4. I man-hate.

- Yep, I said it. However, I also equally hate women, children, large and small animals, deities of nearly all flavors and probably aliens if given the chance to get to know them. I am fundamentally not a very nice person. I do not suffer fools gladly. It is a drain on your soul. (I believe the whole not being Christian thing drains enough of my soul according to most, so why add more vacuum power?) I try not to hate with prejudice. I just trust my instincts. I'm usually right, and in those cases, if for some reason I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. I will also happily reserve the right to change my mind at any given time about any given person. I am as quick to instantly like people as I am to instantly dislike them. There are some I hate more than others, for myriad reasons, but it's exactly that. I have my reasons.

There you have it, there's my theory and explanations.

***Just for the record, this whole thing is born out of the truly horrific and repeat offense of my step-mother's well meaning brother. As the icing on the cake of one of the most surreal-ly awful weeks from hell, he decided to ask me (be it as politely and drunkenly as possible) if I was gay. I've been building up to this rant for quite a long time, and have finally decided to let the rant roll. Those rants will eventually build themselves up to epic proportions and come out one way or another. I should forgive drunken zombie for upsetting me, but I'm really tired of this. I feel like I have answered the same question and gotten the same looks enough times that I am just really friggin tired of it. And the whole suggestion royally chaps my mom's ass, which I do find hilarious. Actually, anything that comes out of the mouth of any of my step-mother's family chaps my mom, but whatever.

Book rage

SPOILER FOR SEVERAL POPULAR BOOK SERIES TO FOLLOW)
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When J.K Rowling killed Sirius, and Dumbledore, and Fred Weasley, and Tonks and Lupin. . . and on and on and on, I understood. There was a war. Death happens.

When Charlaine Harris turned Bill Compton into a complete and total pantywaste, I put up with it. I get that there was a reason behind all of this.

When Anne Rice just lost her ever loving mind and started writing about Jesus. I just stopped reading her books.

When Stephenie Meyer wrote Breaking Dawn, I shut up and accepted her Mormon viewpoints and complete anticlimactic (and stupid) ending. Previous to that, I was respectful about her terrible writing and her stupid effing sparkling vampires.
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END SPOILERS

HOWEVER, this will not be tolerated. There are few fictional characters that I dare to put faith in that they will not be killed or otherwise ruined. Yes, that translates to there are worse things than death.

It was a crapshoot reading this particular book series in the first place, and I've put up with all sorts of shenanigans from said author. Particularly the off putting (read: non-existent) character development and the deus ex machina method of solving all problems. And the stupid bootleg pron-tastic behavior. AND the blatant MarySue-ish main character. I nearly forgot that. Oh the anger. I put up with all these things, and was a loyal reader. Then she goes and commits character assassination. Makes the one character who never would do. Can the bullshit about your characters "speaking" to you. There is a thing such as logical progression and set character traits. This fits into neither. Nor does it qualify as a twist ending. The first 16 books raped literary technique. Through it all, I kept quiet. I shudder to think how bad the ire will be when I finally break down and read the accursed book. Which I will, because I can't believe it actually happened. And because I'm loyal, to a fault, if nothing else. But mark my words, I am not happy.

Re-Post 3/31/2009 Peace

Peace
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life

Today, I will smile, and be
thankful for the crop circles in my life. Not the crop circles in others lives. Sometimes you think the universe is screwing you, but
it's really doing you a favor, it may just take you 5 years to figure
that out.

Currently watching: Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition) Release date: 2009-03-21

Just because.

Just because.

”It’s very simple.
Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard
poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard,
lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and, as
it always has, rock crushes scissors.”

Thanks to The Big Bang Theory. That show is often the highlight of my week.

Currently reading: Song of Kali By Dan Simmons

Re-Post 2/18/2009 The Perils of Prescription Drugs

The Perils of Prescription Drugs
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life

Firstly, I'd like to apologize to anyone that has had any sort of odd contact from me since approximately February 9, 2009.

I have been sick off and on for approximately 2 months. I figured that it was just a recurring cold or some nagging sinus infection I just couldn't kick. So, on February 9, I went to see a doctor. I hate doctors.

Doc decided that I had walking pneumonia. Yay. And prescribed Levaquin, prednisone and albuterol (which geeks you up on a good day).

Fine. I can handle a few prescription antibiotics, and although I really hate taking prednisone, I realize sometimes it is necessary, but the last time I took it, all I had was hot flashes and a bad attitude.

Hoo boy was I wrong.

To begin, Levaquin and prednisone are contraindicated. (Meaning you probably shouldn't be taking them together. Crap.)

But trying to be a good patient, I took my pills and just shut up about the nausea and it's accompanying wretchedness.

Until Tuesday night. When I had the psychological equivalent of a nuclear meltdown. While watching NCIS (WTF?). And crying and being generally apeshit. Even that I just dismissed as being sick and scared. Then came the horrible thoughts.

I choose not to share those. They were a little scary. Some people heard some of it. I tell them now, that was the least scary part. It got much worse in my head.

And then lo and behold, the hallucinations began. Oh yes, it was a bad acid trip in my head. I had many imaginary conversations with people, "remembered" things I've never done, had a little bit of a monsters under the bed moment. . . It goes on and on. In fact, today I'm "remembering" conversations that I know I have not actually had, with anyone.

I fairly notorious for having an active imagination and a touch of the crazy, but this was beyond my wildest dreams.

I realize I had been wandering about in some sort of drug fueled haze reminscent of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Fuck me, that was pretty high on the not fun times list.

Therefore, the moral of all this backstory it that if at anytime in the last 10 days I have contacted you and said or did anything that was stranger than my usual oddness, I apologize. I'm still having a hell of a time sorting out what actually happened, from what I think happened.

I got home from work today and decided to do a little research on my lingering sense of not-well-being, and found that there are a lot of other people that have had far worse responses than mine, including terrible allergic reactions and injured tendons and all sorts of horrid things. However, hallucinations, psychotic episodes and mood swings of epic proportions (did I forget to mention those?) seem to be fairly common. Wow.

Again, sorry for any inconvenience of the bonkers variety. I think I'm better. Still have a pretty persisent cough, but I think I'll take the cough over the evil drugs.

Thanks, though.

Never.

Freaking.

Again. (I do NOT need any assistance in the crazy department.)

Currently reading: Grave Peril (The Dresden Files, Book 3) By Jim Butcher Release date: 2001-09-05

Re-Post 1/12/2009 Untangle yourself

Untangle yourself
Current mood: artistic
Category: Life

................

"Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship."
— DorothyParker

.. ..

I have started this several times, but can’t get the ideas out the way I want them to come. There are so many things I want to cover, and no way how to weave them together coherently, but the weaving part is by far the most important.

.. ..

They are inter connected. It’s a tale of love and not-love, belief and ignorance, truth and denial.

.. ..

I know a girl, a lovely girl, a dear friend who means the world to me. This girl is caught up, in a tangled web of all these things, and people that are all/some/none of these things.

.. ..

Firstly,notice, I don’t say love and hate. It’s not about hate, that is reserved for others outside of this whirlwind of confusion. I think the core is to determine the difference between love and not-love. I’m relatively sure that is easier said than done. Love is easy right? Well at least knowing when you can call itlove is simple right? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s the not-love that’s the hard part. Or maybe the easy, because you know when it’s not-love, but then you reach the issue of what is it.

.. ..

Lust, infatuation, fascination,abhorrence, respect, logic, admiration, reverie? Thousands of other nouns describing feelings?

.. ..

It may be any or all of those things in one proportion or another, as long as they all fall into the category of not-love. The only constant is that those things are not-love. Or so you think.

.. ..

What if it is the combination of the aspects of not-love that make love?

.. ..

Oris love just love? Without explanation or accounting for any of those things? It just is, and we accept that? Seems to be the historic explanation. The explanation for no empirical evidence or satisfactory tangible proof of the existence of love or god.

.. ..

No concrete proof of god or love. Hmm. Just something you believe in or don’t. Isn’t that suspicious. That beings us around to belief vs.ignorance. Is it easier to love or not-love someone because of what they believe? Is it harder to love ignorance or conviction? What does any of that say about you? Do you want to be the person to condemn someone because of a shortsighted world view? Or do you want to step up and expand that view? Will they even let you? Is it worth your time? How do you know the difference?

.. ..

Belief vs. ignorance. Does that imply that you’re ignoring belief? Or is your belief based on ignorance?

.. ..

Isit more important that you know the truth or that you can live in denial? It seems that the common consensus is to keep hurtful truths to yourself, because the only person benefiting from that truth is the speaker, not the listener. Are you _________ enough to speak the truth at the cost of pain (the cost of pleasure) from the person you’re speaking to? Or are you a die-hard honesty is the best policy type? Maybe somewhere in the middle?

.. ..

Is it easier to love someone when you know their beliefs and all the truth? Or does that immediately make it not-love,something maybe lesser than love, or maybe something more? Do you love someone more when you see all the holes or do you shut down at a flaw? I hear the chorus now of “I love the imperfections in so-and-so, that why we’ll always be together. . . blah blah blah.” I’m not buying it. Ice chewing or a conspiracy theorist, where’s your personal breaking point, you have one, we all do.

.. ..

Would you rather be denied the truth and live under your own illusions? How is it that none of these questions are easy?

.. ..

Can you make a set of rules for the contacts in your life? Either all truth all the time or blissful ignorance? A combination of the two? Can you apply the exact same set of rules to everyone you know, friends, family, lovers? Do you have to have more than one set of rules? Is that dishonest, or just convenient? Are different people held to a different standard? Is it happening unconsciously?

.. ..

There are more questions than answers. There always seem to be more questions, and every question is followed by five more.

.. ..

I’m happy to answer my own questions. I’m not afraid of the answers, or ashamed of them.

.. ..

I believe in love. I also believe just as strongly in not-love. I think that love is as intangible as belief in anything else we can’t touch or see or smell or hear, but I think there in a tangibility in the not-love. It feels more real, and may be just that. It may be infinitely more important in the long run, you may find that you love your best friend, flaws and all, unconditionally, just because you do. You may also find that you have more not-love (maybe a combination of respect, admiration and contempt) for your husband, wife, girlfriend,boyfriend, significant other, and that is enough to keep you happy and together for whatever period of time you choose. Love isn’t necessarily sexual or romantic, or even familial. It just is what it is.

.. ..

I also believe in believing. I tell people all the time that I truly don’t care what they believe in, just that they believe in something. That’s how I feel,and that’s one of the things that enables me to maintain friendships with so many people that believe so many things. It’s important to me to know what you believe, that kind of information is as vital to me as remembering your birthday or what food you like. It goes for everyone in my life. I think that is an integral part of who you are, I don’t want to change it, or inflict my beliefs on you, I just want to know what makes you tick. I’m a well known agnostic, sometime atheist, childhood Catholic with Pagan leanings. That says a lot about me as a person. I’m also a scientist at heart and not particularly concerned with the human race. It seems to be in self destruct mode and there’s not a lot we can do about it. But I’d sell my soul to save the polar bears. Sounds like a big contradiction, but it’s not. People make their own choices. Choosing to explode yourself is your problem, just don’t inflict it on the innocents, like the plants and the animals and the children.

.. ..

I discussed faith with my sister-in-law one late-night early-morning, and explained to her that faith is something I have an abundance of. My faith is most likely just not your faith. I have faith in the ones I love, and faith that in the end they’ll do what’s best. I have that I’ll always be safe in the end, and I am. I don’t need to pray to Jesus or Allah or the Goddess, that doesn’t help me sleep at night. But simple faith that everything will be all right. And somehow it is. I don’t ask questions or motives, I also don’t know who or what to thank. So I do my good deeds and assist where I can, and try to not make too much of a mess of myself.

.. ..

I am guilty of being an honesty person, for the most part. The only exception is if I think you are not strong enough to handle the whole truth. That doesn’t happen often, but it has happened. And only omissions, never fabrications. I accept that it is sometimes a fact of life. Sometimes you have to lie to save someone you care about. It’s not pretty,but thinking about it, none of this essay is.

.. ..

It just is what it is. Apparently like everything.

.. ..

Oh, and the quote at the top. It means something to me. You all know that.

Currently reading: The Portable Dorothy Parker (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition) By Dorothy Parker

Re-Post 12/13/2008 Returning to your roots

Returning to your roots
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

I love my roots. I miss them. I won't be missing them anymore.

Back to reading obscure, obsolete, out-of-print books that make me scratch my head and wonder how I ever found them in the first place.

Back to listening to music that no one likes but me and some alpaca farmer somewhere.

Back to attending plays and visiting art galleries.

I have an abundance of free time, that I find myself wasting.

I was always painfully shy and socially retarded when I was younger. I think I was better off.

Just give me my Crazy Cat Lady Card and my weird books, and let me be.

But there's always room for good friends. You know who you are. You knew me when.

Currently listening: Only by the Night By Kings of Leon Release date: 2008-09-23